The Part That Nobody Talks About
This past weekend, I was laying in the sun and reading on a warm afternoon. I grew tired and laid my book across my chest, crossed my arms over my body, and closed my eyes. Doing so immediately reminded of all of the times my father used to do the same thing. He did so in Tahoe as we enjoyed the mountain air, in Hawaii on the beach, or simply in his backyard that was carefully cultivated by he and my mom.
When my 20 year old self realized I had to say goodbye to my dad, I knew my life would change. I knew that the long months, that turned into years, in the hospital and hours of commutes to see him would be replaced by a longing to just hear his voice. I knew that when big events happened in my life; I'd miss his presence. I knew that when I talked about "my parents" I would now have to just say "my mom." I knew that someday when I date the person I'm meant to marry, my dad won't even know that person. I knew that a part of my life would change it certain ways, but I was in no way prepared.
No one talks about the little, daily reminders of the gaping hole in your life. No one talks about the missing pep talk before an interview. No one talks about missing his hilarious and strangely short voice mails. No one talks about wanting to just tell him about your day, and realizing that will never ever happen again. No one talks about missing his huge bear hugs. No one talks about seeing my mom struggle to be both parents for her deeply hurt girls. No one talks about the day to day; the most intense and overwhelming feelings of grief.
I was not prepared to break down in a Mexican restaurant because my dad loved taking me for nachos. I was not prepared to be envious of my friends with dads; even if their dads were deadbeat and not in the picture. I was not prepared to only have one parent now. I was not prepared to feel anger towards my friends when they complained about something "annoying" their parent had done. I was not prepared to go back to school and attempt to accomplish the dream that my dad and I had worked on building together. I was not prepared to go on adventures(even small ones) and feel his adventurous spirit alive within me. I was not prepared for life without him.
You may be asking yourself how this post relates to my typically travel related posts. It all ties together in one big, and yet tiny, way.
This past year (so far) that I've spent living abroad has been my largest growth period ever. No, I did not get even taller than I already am, I mean personally. Personally I have learned so much about who I am, what I like, what I value, and where my place is in this world. My dad was not a man of many words, but these are conversations I know we could have shared. I know that he would have helped me grapple with the scary, intimidating, and exciting growth I've confronted this year.
Although I am very grateful for the time I had with such a kind, silly, and lovable father, I can't help but muse about what our relationship would be like now that I'm an adult and share his love of adventure.
When my 20 year old self realized I had to say goodbye to my dad, I knew my life would change. I knew that the long months, that turned into years, in the hospital and hours of commutes to see him would be replaced by a longing to just hear his voice. I knew that when big events happened in my life; I'd miss his presence. I knew that when I talked about "my parents" I would now have to just say "my mom." I knew that someday when I date the person I'm meant to marry, my dad won't even know that person. I knew that a part of my life would change it certain ways, but I was in no way prepared.
No one talks about the little, daily reminders of the gaping hole in your life. No one talks about the missing pep talk before an interview. No one talks about missing his hilarious and strangely short voice mails. No one talks about wanting to just tell him about your day, and realizing that will never ever happen again. No one talks about missing his huge bear hugs. No one talks about seeing my mom struggle to be both parents for her deeply hurt girls. No one talks about the day to day; the most intense and overwhelming feelings of grief.
I was not prepared to break down in a Mexican restaurant because my dad loved taking me for nachos. I was not prepared to be envious of my friends with dads; even if their dads were deadbeat and not in the picture. I was not prepared to only have one parent now. I was not prepared to feel anger towards my friends when they complained about something "annoying" their parent had done. I was not prepared to go back to school and attempt to accomplish the dream that my dad and I had worked on building together. I was not prepared to go on adventures(even small ones) and feel his adventurous spirit alive within me. I was not prepared for life without him.
You may be asking yourself how this post relates to my typically travel related posts. It all ties together in one big, and yet tiny, way.
This past year (so far) that I've spent living abroad has been my largest growth period ever. No, I did not get even taller than I already am, I mean personally. Personally I have learned so much about who I am, what I like, what I value, and where my place is in this world. My dad was not a man of many words, but these are conversations I know we could have shared. I know that he would have helped me grapple with the scary, intimidating, and exciting growth I've confronted this year.
Although I am very grateful for the time I had with such a kind, silly, and lovable father, I can't help but muse about what our relationship would be like now that I'm an adult and share his love of adventure.
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